Let me start with a little backstory. I'm in high school now, and I had an odd middle school experience. In 6th grade, I was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and general anxiety. I had a really rough time with self harm and my relationship with food. I had attempted suicide several times and self harmed for over a year, and over this time I was eating much more than I needed to. I was 11 years old, depressed and suicidal, and overweight. I went into several different hospitals and a mental health care residential. I am better now, but I definitely still have my lows. I've been clean for about two years now, but I still struggle with food. I've never had a diagnosed eating disorder, however I used to binge often. Sometimes it goes into nearly anorexia, where I won't eat for days and if I do it is far less than I should.
Today I am much better, I cope easier and take care of my mental health above all. But my lows are triggered by music. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but when I was in my depression, there were several songs that I would listen to as I would self harm. Namely Her Last Words by Courtney Parker. Don't get me wrong, great song but bad memories. Even just seeing lyrics or hearing the tune, I immediately go back into the mindset I was in at age 11 and 12. Any songs that I can relate to my life back then always put me back in that mind set and trigger me back to the urge to self harm.
The triggering only happens in certain mind sets I am in at the time, my mind is a fragile place. Now, lets actually get into the spiritual side of things. Ever since I was little, I have always believed in spirits and felt presences with me. I fully believe in Fate and spirits. I am no set believer in a god and angels though. But spirits and spirit guides or guardians, yes. And I think mine is watching out for me.
When I am listening to music, say when I'm on the bus, a certain song will come on that has to do with eating disorders, and I know that the song will only hurt me at that time, but sometimes I indulge in self-destructive behavior. So I have full intentions to let it play, but it will stop and skip to a happier, better song. The first time I tried to write it off as a mechanical error, but I tried to go back to the song again. The same thing happened. I again wrote it off as mechanical error, but I let the next song play. I always keep my music on shuffle, so I don't have control over what song it is unless I manually fix it.
The next time I am in a sour mood and feeling down, the song comes on and I put on an even more sad mood, and have full intentions to listen to the song. I'd been feeling really down about my weight, so why not feel worse, right? But the song changed. The song switched to a happier song, not even 10 seconds into it. I tried to switch it back again, but it kept just switching. It didn't do it on any other song, just that one song and just when I happened to be in a depressed mood.
It happened again when I was in the shower and had my YouTube playlist on shuffle. I was feeling particularly sad that day, and the song came on, but my computer disconnected from the internet. I got out and tried to fix it, purely because I wanted to be self-destructive. I put the song back on, but it skipped to the next song within the first 10 seconds of the song.
And then the last time it happened, I was on the bus again. Not in a good mood, not in a bad mood. I felt pretty neutral but I also was very vulnerable in my mind because of a breakdown I'd had the previous night. The song came on and I figured I'd be fine, but it changed as soon as I started to feel more depressed, about half way into the song. Thats about the time when I realized what was happening. Every time I was feeling negative and the music was inspiring me to self harm, it would change to a song that made me happier. Thats why I think I have some sort of guardian spirit helping me. Within the past year or so, I've become much more in touch with my spiritual side. If anyone has any opinions or thoughts on this, I would be glad to hear them. Thank you for reading, sorry it was so long.
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